Finding A Rhythm & Love

I’ve been listening to an album since the summer of last year. I came across it via a friend who posted one of her songs over on Spinster. I’m not sure if it wasn’t just before Savannah came to stay for a few weeks with her family, but what I do remember is another song off the same album becoming a bit of an anthem for me after Savannah was diagnosed with cancer in September. She had what will hopefully be her last chemo session today. There’s a PET scan appointment booked for the 31st and it’ll be a few days after that before she gets the results. I’m surprised I haven’t written about it more but in another way, I’m not. But anyway, this song…

The whole album is good but this one for me, for whatever reason, is closely linked to Sav’s journey with the cancer. It’s still a bastard of a disease even when the cure statistics are excellent. She finally shaved her head a week or so ago because there just wasn’t that much left and she looked like she’d spent too long playing around in Chernobyl. I told her so too and it made her laugh. Humour has been important for the last few months. The treatment had to be intensified a month ago after the first round of chemo didn’t get rid of it all. She was stuck with the tiniest bit in her armpit which meant she had to go on a different plan. So far, there was only one hospital admission for four days after an infection ran rampant in her mouth. Her neutrophils, the stuff which helps fight infection, were practically nil and she had intravenous antibiotics for a couple of days til her count went back up and was then discharged with oral meds. The oncologist worked with hindsight and told her to start her G-CSF injections a couple of days early for this last cycle and it seems to have done the trick. Now it’s a waiting game. She told me today that she’s going to try and chill out for the next few weeks until the scan results are in. Whatever the outcome, she said, at least it’s a bit of a break from all the hospital visits. Her picc line is staying in until after the results so that’ll need its weekly flush but it takes no time at all.

I’ve had days where I’ve barely been able to function because of worry. I think the overwhelming emotion throughout the last four months for me has probably been fear. One of the biggest fears I had at the start of all this was that she’d not be able to have the kind of life that she wants for herself, that it would be cut short and she’d be unable to do all the things she has in mind. The song was a big reminder that perspective and attitude was key to getting through all of this. Because, really, it’s not about the outcome…we’re all gonna die one day…but life is actually more bearable if we lighten up and stop pretending we’re ever in control of what life throws at us..sometimes, all we have is hope and this was most definitely a tightrope kind of situation. So, it kept me strong on the bad days and continues to do so. It reminds me that my spirit can still soar even when I’m neck-deep in shit.

The one thing which has managed to emerge throughout this time is that love is really the only emotion worth holding onto. The intensity of the fear has made me resolute that I want to banish as much crap from my life as I possibly can. I don’t want any unnecessary emotional trauma. This has all been a big fat reminder that life is too short and none of us know what’s around the corner. It has simultaneously made me lighten up and get serious about life at the same time…

I’m still not ready to process any of it. Maybe when she gets the results I’ll be ready…or maybe I’ll just say fuck it and breathe a big sigh of relief and be too busy looking forward and going with the flow instead of wanting to look at what lays behind me. I dunno… I need to go to bed and sleep.


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