I began the year feeling as rough as arseholes after being kept awake far too late thanks to some drama involving daughters one and three which ultimately came down to miscommunication and alcohol. All was well enough within a few hours, except for a distinct lack of alertness which seems to have persisted for the best part of two weeks.
Do I really need to commit to a plan for the year ahead? Do I even have any goals apart from making money and keeping on top of coursework? Does renovating furniture and getting essays finished count? I think I first need to close the door on 2018.
I moved house very early December. I’m now living in a property I first turned down mid-summer of 2017. At the time I wasn’t in a good place emotionally because my partner had gone back to the States after living with me for the best part of three years. The situation destroyed me from the inside out. Uncertainty raged and I could barely make it through the day nevermind get my shit together to move house. I made a considerable amount of progress in the months following and after he came back last January I noticed my emotional dependency on him had significantly diminished. He left again on the 6th with no date of return. I am not in the same place I was back in the summer of 2017 neither physically nor metaphorically and I can thank 2018 for that. I have no sense of what the future holds between he and I. I’m taking each day as it comes and throwing my energy into other things. I feel no hankering nor lamenting. I’m happy to not give it too much thought at this point in time.
Not too long after I moved I received a message an old boyfriend had finally died. I say finally because he had a serious accident which left him bedbound a few years ago. He was the third person in his family to die last year. His brother Mick was first, early in the year from sepsis. His mother, Jackie, followed less than a month later. Her passing was beyond understandable; years ago she buried one of her daughters who was murdered by her boyfriend. No doubt the pain of having to bury another child was just too much. Well, that and she’d been visiting her son Shaun in a hospice for the last decade. I began to write about him in a separate post a couple of weeks ago but sitting here now I question whether I have the time to dwell on any of that. I don’t. Not really. To be honest, when I heard the news I wasn’t devastated and only felt blessings for him that he was free at last. He wasn’t the kind of person who would’ve done well to know he was in a near vegetative state for fifteen years. I had an extremely intense relationship with him; he was a paranoid schizophrenic and it ended for me emotionally after he attacked me one night. I saw him a few times after that; one of those occasions was in his local hospital after he’d been sectioned under the Mental Health Act. I missed him for so many years after we fell apart but it just wasn’t viable. I used to think I’d have married him if only he were normal. Thinking back on it all now, I have no idea how much of his character I would’ve been attracted to if he hadn’t been crazy. For so long I held a romantic view on the intensity of love we shared and the levels of passion we created. The more realistic view sees how he was high maintenance and questions whether I’d have ever been able to live life on my own terms. Still, it was an experience which I’m glad I had and I learned a shit load both about myself and the nature of mental illness. I’m trying to force myself to find the words which sum it all up and all I have is, I wish…
I lost a massive-to-me amount of two stone during 2018 and began practising yoga and pilates. Up until the house move I did either/or on an almost daily basis. I have a mere 8lbs to lose to be at my target weight. Diet has played an enormous part of my weight loss and I have improvements to continue in that department. More specifically, unhealthy fats and sugar. I’m eating plenty of the good stuff, just too much shit still. I’ve already noticed the influence of sugar on inflammation and I really need to cut it out.
Work and study are two key areas for me this year. I’m full-time on the study from early next month and still fall short of my own expectations with regards to maintaining a routine so I don’t fall behind. I can’t afford to not work; I have enormous debts and need more money to live on than the state would give to me as a student. Luckily for me, the study is just formalising what I’m already doing so I don’t have to use too much energy jumping from one thing to another.
I continue to parent. This is the year my youngest becomes a teenager. My eldest granddaughter starts secondary school in September, and the youngest begins playschool later this month. One of my daughters is hoping to increase the size of her family unit, another is studying for a law degree whilst hoping to regain a connection to someone significant. My eldest says she’s going to get a job; she turns thirty next year and is mum to four. I’d rather she went back to college but I keep my mouth shut and trust she knows what she needs for herself. The eldest son has just got a new job after sitting on his arse for months. Actually, that’s not strictly true, he’s been laid on his belly playing on his Xbox…
Apologies for the hurried tone but I’m still playing catch-up in all areas. On now to another post and then the cleaning. One thing I do need to achieve over the next few days is a better routine – reclaiming my evenings as a time to sit and chill-the-fuck-out is a priority. As is being able to get out of bed on a morning without feeling like I need to sleep for another three hours.